what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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