just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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