well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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