I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Vodka?
Forever.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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