i love accidental penises.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
