good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
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