apparently the secret to your success is patron
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
