Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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