Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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