My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Randomize