you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
