We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
