This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
