Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
