I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize