You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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