i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
