It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
