this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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