HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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