I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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