last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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