I am spending my child support on dildos
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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