I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
