you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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