his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You left your phone here
Wait...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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