Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
