ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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