Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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