but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
