IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
