So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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