Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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