i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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