I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Two words: blizzard sex
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
