when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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