so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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