Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
