She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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