I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
