Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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