I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
