What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
