if you like me you must not know who I am
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
