yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
