dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
