so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
