I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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