nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
