i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
