Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
