just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we're making bets on your personal life
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize