Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
