two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
