It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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