I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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