mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
