Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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