Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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