i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
