Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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