first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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