party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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