I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
