I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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